Iain Dale jokes

Iain Dale is asking for jokes — I suggested the following.

Here’s a good one. It wasn’t quite told like this to me when I heard it last, but I’m sure you get the general drift. Just for you, I’ll waive the usual fee.

Whenever I go drink-driving, I carry three cards with me.

If the police pull me over and ask me to blow into a bag, I hand them the first card. It says

ASTHMATIC — PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR BREATH SAMPLE.

If the blighters persist, and ask for a blood sample, I hand them the second card. It says

HAEMOPHILIAC — PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR BLOOD SAMPLE.

Sometimes that gets me off. But sometimes they still carry on, so for those cases, I carry a card that says

I’M IAIN DALE. I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO WIN NORFOLK NORTH FOR THE TORIES AT THE LAST ELECTION BUT LIB DEM NORMAN LAMB INCREASED HIS MAJORITY BY 10,000 VOTES.

PLEASE DON’T TAKE THE PISS.

I wonder if he lets that through his filter. (He has, good for him 🙂
Last time I heard the joke, it was actually told by Graham Watson MEP, and the punchline was “I’m a Lib Dem MEP, please don’t…”

Bridge Strike


Bridge Strike

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

So, I’m on the train. There is also a bus to Chesterfield but I elected not to take it because the train is quicker.

Ho, ho. (hollow laugh).

The train is quicker if, and only if:

*you catch the 9.42 and don’t narrowly miss it and have to wait til the 10.42 (the interval gave me plenty of time to pop into M&S for smalls and to hand-deliver a letter authorising a conference rep substitution)

* if the 10.42 doesn’t sit at Nottingham station for 15 mins before departing

* if, having sat at the station for 15 mins it doesn’t chug a scant half mile before sitting in sidings under Nottingham castle waiting for the points to take us through the city and on to the north.

*if, then, having run the gauntlets of Langley Mill and Alfreton, the train doesn’t join a multi train queue sitting stationery/ary on the track waiting for a Bridge Inspector to pass a bridge as fit after being struck by a lorry.

While I’m sitting here motionless, there is a team of envelope stuffing volunteers waiting in the office to be tasked.

Somehow, freight and intercity trains are able to zoom past. We can see the crooked spire, we’re stuck behind CineWorld. We could walk to Chesterfield from here, if they’d let us. The train is closer to the office than to the station!

I’m just glad I picked up a Pratchett before setting off. And I hope the Bridge Inspector isn’t travelling by rail.

Saddened

Just spent an hour in the kitchen making pancakes and listening to Eddie Mair on PM — and hearing the very sad news that Linda Smith died earlier today, at the premature ages of 48, of ovarian cancer.

I think Linda was on the panel the day we went to see Just A Minute being recorded in the Theatre Royal, Nottingham, in 2000.  Google backs me up by finding this transcription of the programme.

I’ve certainly always found her funny, and I go back regularly to my recordings of her show “A Brief History of Timewasting.”

My day

Well, it started late.  The drains guys have now made the drains useable, but they didn’t come back today to fill in the hole and make good the drive.  At least we have plumbing again.

I was getting ready to leave for work when I remembered it’s my Dad’s birthday on Monday and to be sure of getting his present to him in time, I needed to get it in the post today.  So, I popped into our local district shopping centre to get a card and some wrapping paper.  Whilst I was there I remembered I still had a bunch of shirts waiting for me at the cleaners, so I picked them up, came back to the house, printed a stamp, wrapped the book, signed the card, and put it with my bags ready to take with me to work.

By this time I was starving, so I thought I’d drive to McD‘s for a spot of lunch before hitting the M1 and heading up to the office.  Whilst I was doing that I remembered that I was supposed to pick up a couple of boxes of envelopes before going in to the office, so when my coffee had cooled I turned round to drive back through town to the office supplies shop.

But my poor car never made it.  After sitting in traffic for a few minutes, there started to be some really peculiar noises, and finally halfway up the hill to St Andrew’s church, it completely conked out and wouldn’t restart.  To make matters worse, my hazard light button stuck halfway in meaning I couldn’t put my hazards on and I couldn’t indicate either.  So I was stuck in a totally dead car and couldn’t even warn the growing stream of traffic behind me.

No choice but to leap out and start pushing the car up the hill, one hand on the steering wheel, the other on the frame of the door and both feet slipping on the tarmac because I’m wearing leather-soled shoes.

I’m very grateful to the guy who crossed the road to help me push, and the boys who joined in once we got round the corner.  They got me to a safe flat spot I could stop and have a look-see what had happened.

No coolant in the engine *at all* and a nasty burning smell from the engine. I only topped the coolant up on the way to Scotland last month – and that was the only time I’d ever topped coolant up at all.

So I wandered down the hill, posted Dad’s birthday present, and bought a bottle of Evian to dilute the coolant I had in the boot.  Poured a litre of coolant into the system, and it just bubbled away and belched steam at me.  Not good, I thought, so I phoned my garage, checked there was someone there and got them to recommend a tow-truck to me.  I really need to join a recovery outfit.  What would I have done if this had happened to me in the fast lane of M1, which is where I could easily have been?

Car’s with the garage now.  They weren’t making encouraging noises when it was dropped off.  “Let us see what’s wrong, and whether it’s economical to repair.”  Uh-oh.  I never made it into the office, but I’ve done a bit of work from home instead.
I seem to be getting in a habit of writing long self-involved posts at the moment.  Tell me, dear reader, am I getting a bit Darbyshire?

Lost Germans

On my way into the Council House for Development Control today, I walked past two young men outside the Guildhall looking at a map, clearly trying to figure out where they were.  I see it as almost a civic duty in such circumstances to ask if I can help.  I can’t always, but I usually know most places lost people ask for.

On one occasion, I even got into someone’s van to help them through the one-way system because I knew how to get them to their hotel, but I sure as hell couldn’t explain how you get from one side of the city centre to the other in a vehicle because it is extremely complicated if you don’t know the city.
This time, the guys weren’t English, and didn’t really want to talk.  I thought it was a language issue — they didn’t want to show that they only had a little bit of English, so would rather not talk to me for fear of tripping up.  I thought I recognised the accent, and asked them where they were from.  Germany, they said.

Wahey! I’ve not got to speak to people in German for ages. I had 40 minutes before Development Control so I switched to German and asked them what they were looking for.

“Sehenswuerdigkeiten,” they said.  They weren’t looking for anything particular, they just wanted to see the sights. They were in Nottingham for a day whilst visiting a girlfriend at Loughborough University. We quickly established they’d already seen the Castle  so I suggested they try the Caves of Nottingham and the Galleries of Justice.  Now my German was holding up OK, but I couldn’t remember the German for either “cave” or “court” so I was having great difficulties explaining what either of those great exhibits was. All sorts of bizarre German words did come flooding back and I managed to explain that Nottingham was built on sandstone that people hollowed out–but still never got to “cave”.

I suggested they walk back to Market Square and look for the grey pedestrian signs. I could remember “pedestrian” but couldn’t remember “sign” so suggested they follow me, and I could point them at a pedestrian sign and let them get on with it.

Only, by the time I got to Market Square, I was feeling a whole lot more adventurous and in no hurry to let them get away.

Reader, in the 35 minutes left before my meeting, I whisked them around the entire Council House and gave a mini guided tour in German.

I was reasonably well versed in the history of the building because I mugged up on it the week before for the FODS tour.  So I can stand outside, and get on with the “Dies Gebaude wurde in 1927 gebaut.  Es steht auf dem Ort eine aeltere Gebaude, und ist von derselbe Stein als Londons Sanktpauldom hergestellt. Die zwei Loewen sind beruehmte Treffpunkte fuer die Leuten Nottinghams, und die heissen Oskar und Leo” and so on.

There were an awful lot of German words I didn’t know. Councillor. Mace. Meeting. Staircase. Statue. Ballroom. Sheriff. Minstrel’s Gallery. Minutes. Goose Fair. Virtue (needed for translating the Latin motto “Vivit post funera virtus” under the city crest). I can’t say I gave a truly professional tour this time.

But we got by, and we got round the building in our allotted time before I let them go.  I think they enjoyed it.  They certainly got to see the inside of the beautiful building. I’m sure most visitors to Nottingham don’t realise it’s a public building, and never see the inside. Heck, even most people who live here have never been inside!

Reflux redux

Did not sleep well last night, as I had a reflux episode that in the end I could only fix by sitting upright for a few hours before going to lie down again. A few hours were easily spent on trash TV like Desperate Housewives, which I’ve been enjoying a little less in season 2, but still watching avidly. Big fan of Lynette.
I’ve mostly been managing my reflux condition OK in the last month or so, since having my annual medication review, simply because I’ve been a bit more rigourous in being very sure I take my prophylactic Lansoprazole every day. I’ve been more or less symptom free for the all the time I’ve been careful with my drugs. I’m not sure what went wrong last night. I had a pint of beer with the ringers at 7pm, not much to eat that evening, but woke at 3am with that familiar, horrible burning feeling in my throat. Guzzling the gaviscon didn’t help, milk didn’t help, lying back down made me feel I was drowning in my own bile, hence sitting up for a couple of hours before finally going back to bed at 4.30am and dozing lightly.

It’s always when I’m in that sort of situation, dozing rather than sleeping, that I have dreams I can remember. This morning was no exception, and I had very peculiar and very vivid dreams. We had cats. A black-and-white cat and a tortoiseshell. They had names, but I’ve forgotten them by now. Slightly more worrying, I also had three children. Details of the older two have now faded away but the youngest was a preschool girl with an impish grin, and she is really lodged in my mind.

I was talking about cats with a ringer I gave a lift home to, so that explains why I dreamt cats, but why on earth did I dream I had kids? Why was in the back seat of a people carrier with all my children in front of me?

Someone at work a few weeks ago was trying on a sort of jack-the-lad, nudge-nudge-wink-wink act to tell me I could never be certain whether I’d had a slip up I didn’t know about and had sired kids I’d never meet.

I can say with a fair amount of confidence that I’ve never got anyone pregnant!

Still, I couldn’t shake the impression that this morning, I was going to be woken either by kids or by cats bounding into the bedroom and jumping on the bed.

I wasn’t.  I was woken by P (who strangely had also had cat dreams) telling me to get up NOW at 7.20 because I had to move my car.  A big truck was trying to get up our narrow street to deliver large pipes to the guys who are fixing our drains, and it was stuck at my car.

Can’t complain too much because we need the drains fixing. Tomorrow will be our third and hopefully final day without mains drainage after which we can finally shower and flush the loo again.  Thank goodness for showers at work!

New music

Watching the latest Scrubs (5×10) last week, I was rather taken by a song (regular readers now groan as we’ve been here before.)

This one was rather easier to find just by Googling some of the lyrics than the last one…

Working all day for a mean little man
With a clip on tie and a rub on tan
Running round the office like a dog around a track
But when I get on home I know you’re there to rub my back

Hey Julie!

So a week later thanks to Amazon Marketplace, I’m the proud owner of a Fountains of Wayne CD which arrived this morning just as I was heading out to work. So I played it in the car.

I have been here before soo many times. Liked one song, bought the album, hated the rest.

Not this time! There are some great songs, and I listened to it about three times altogether, when you include lunch and coming home for an early evening meeting. Cheerful, happy songs with a guitar or three. Country-alike songs you can sing along to on the first hearing. Clever words. Exactly the kind of music I like.

So, hopefully there will be more CDs in the post next week

Trial Run


Trial Run

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

For tonight’s Valentine dinner signature dish: peanut butter baked alaska. You can’t get that in your fancy shops.

Just can’t shake the thought that it looks like a frog.

The menu in full:

Greek salad

Beef bourguignon

Peanut butter baked alaska

FODS weekend write-up

A few jottings about the weekend ringing tour around Nottingham’s tram, all brought together into one post.

St Leo’s

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

First stop on Fods tram tour. Lovely ring to start the morning on the only Southwell peal installed as a war memorial. Ringing an expert balance of the superbly struck difficult methods and accessible rounds and easier methods. A wide variety of abilities, including including some word than me! I didn’t get lost in a touch of Bob major! Well, not properly lost.

St Giles

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

23 of us by the time we got to Bulwell.

Random photo of pouting Sister Mikey

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

Not quite up to her usual gorgeousness.

St Mary Magdalene

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

On to Hucknall. First ringing chamber I’ve ever seen to have nightclub flyers pinned to the noticeboard. On the way, Tiffy had to stop to buy flatter shoes. Numbers swollen to about 25 but no sign of our member who’s on crutches. Just as well, as Hucknall church turned out to be a very long way from the tram stop. I should really have checked that before the day itself. This is the only tower I’ve not grabbed before today. I now have blisters on my hands to match the ones on my feet. Handling is a little tricky here on some of the bells but they sound good outside. And I just rang Grandsire Triples for the first time this millennium.

Disaster strikes at lunchtime

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

Plans for lunch fall through when the Sal is unexpectedly closed at lunchtime and the Fods scatter across the city. The Sal had promised me they’d have no problems accommodating a group of 20 turning up on spec, so I have no idea how they managed to be closed! I ended up getting a pint in the Newmarket, a pub I have not been in for a very long time, followed by a posh sarnie and a double espresso in a caff on Heathcote Street before getting back on the tram and heading to my home tower.

All Saints


All Saints

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

People reluctant to leave dinner. Plus it’s not straightforward finding the tower from the tram stop. So hardly anyone here on time. Still, ringing up now.

Achievement

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

I can add Plain Bob Royal to my list of difficult things rung today. Only needed to be put right twice in entire plain course! This is so much fun. I really need to make a concerted effort to go to practice and service ringing more often.

Huge embarrassment at St Peters

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

Because the St Peters key holder was away, they left a copy of a key with me to let our tour band in on the day. But I forgot some of the details of trying to get into the tower and we spent 15 minutes trying to get the key to open the wrong door before someone who’d been here before pointed out the error of our ways and 24 of us could finally troop up the stairs. Nice ringing once we got here. The full ring of 12 are not loud enough to interfere with the buskers in the street below. Am now busting for the loo, but no chance to go any time soon. I’m not one for peeing up a church wall, even in extremis. Added Plain Hunt on 11 to my repertoir after a few shakey starts and then sat out while the band decided what Maximus it could ring. Cambridge and Yorkshire were ruled out after it transpired that some of our more able ringers were sitting St Peters out in the pub after a recent traumatic peal attempt, and a plain course of Little Bob Max ensued. Now the gossip is that the Sal has been closed by the police and we are all a little intrigued. Violent crime? Serving minors?

St Mary’s

Originally uploaded by nilexuk.

Arrive late at St Marys after a comfort break and coffee at Starbucks. Ring rounds and calls and we all get hopelessly jumbled in an attempt to get to tittums. It’s very difficult to pick the smaller bells out from the larger ones. The sound is fudgy in the ringing chamber, but the room is palatial after St Peters. The 24 of us look lost in it. The route up is over the roof with a fab view over Nottingham rooftops towards the Castle past St Peters and the Pitcher and Piano. Not for the first time, I’m regretting not bringing my real camera with me today and having to rely on my phone. The band gets two touches of Grandsire Cinques and eventually gets around to ringing the long threatened touch of Cambridge Max. Which sounds fine to me, but I can still only hear the fudge.

Sunday — Service ringing (for some) and lunch

Five brave Fods ringers made it to service ringing in the city this morning. I and two others turned up at All Saints to ring with one local and two other people who just happened to be in Nottingham for peal ringing and who just happened to turn up for Sunday ringing at All Saints. The student band (who I normally ring with) succombed to an attempt at the Campus 14 the night before (a drink in each of the 14 bars on the university campus) and stayed at home en masse.

Two other Fods ringers made it to service ringing at St Marys.

The rest of them didn’t make it out of bed until it was too late.

Unsurprising, really, given that many of the Fods members had been out crawling the scene in Nottingham and availing themselves of the various venues. I spent more time in the Lord Roberts this weekend than I have in some considerable time, and had more fun than, well, ever! Not only was the place overtaken by ringers for much of the evening, but two exes happened to be there for various parts of the evening, and it was nice to catch up with them.

The weekend has been really productive from a work perspective as well, as two of the ringers are local government professionals in areas that are hot topics in Nottingham at the moment. One person works in waste management running incinerators, and another is a transport planner. So we passed the odd productive 5 minutes in conversation about the issues affecting the city.

Later, and after much more drink, and somehow bypassing the eating stage, we moved on to the Central, a place I haven’t really spent any time in since it was Gatsbys, and a place that is incredibly smokey. Since there was no beer, I had to switch to an unspecified number of gin and tonics. A long heart to heart with the transvestite Fod ensued, during which she demonstrated a useful skill and correctly guessed my Myers Briggs classification based on what we’d talked about. INTP.

In the end, I talked myself hoarse, walked her home, eschewing the trip to NG1 that many of the other members made, and got home by 2am so that I’d be fresh for ringing in the morning.

In the event, I was mildly hungover at 8am when my alarm went off, but my trusted hangover cure (one part ibuprofen to two parts black coffee and two parts bacon sandwich), and got to All Saints in good time for a nice ring.

The morning continued back at the main Fods hotel where those of us who’d made it to ringing sat in the restaurant and looked smug at those who barely struggled downstairs in time for breakfast. Then, en masse, we went and had lunch at the Olde Trip to Jerusalem. Half of us occupied a room hewn into the rock face beyond the cursed galleon and used outlandish and obscene conversation to prevent any other people muscling in on our room.

Eventually, the party broke up and people started to make their ways home, amid hugs, and promises to see each other at the Washington DC tour, the London EuroPride weekend formal dinner, tour and Pride ringing, and the Exeter weekend which will be the Autumn tour.

Judging by how often and how profusely I’ve been thanked, a good time was had by all! I know I’ve had a lot of fun this weekend, so thanks to all who turned up.